Corporate Shame via Flying Squirrel at The Swamp

I was hired by a large corporate entity to promote their product by wearing a flying squirrel so large that it required two people to operate. To explain: one person wears the 'head and front arms' portion, the body extends in a roughly 40 foot flat, furry stretch of fabric, and the second person makes up the 'tail and floppy back legs'. I made up the back end of the costume and (I think) my friend Karl made up the front end. We were supposed to go around a large sporting event supporting whatever product giant flying squirrels naturally promote with their presence and no signage.

We were running around a grassy(?) tail-gating event - small but still embarrassing for me - and I remember being thankful that's all we had to do. I remember shouting as we came to the far end of the tailgating near the stadium "I am glad this is over soon", when Karl shouted, "What are you talking about? We haven't hit the stadium yet." As we approached the stadium I realized we were at the top of a MASSIVE grassy hill and the actual stadium was at the bottom of the hill. There were people EVERYWHERE, but there was a nice open path for us to run down the hill. I suppose this would have looked pretty cool from the stands and made the squirrel look like it was actually flying.

So, we started running down the hill. We made it on the jumbo-tron and all in all it was not as embarrassing as it could have been. We also ended up sitting on the sidelines of the game. This is when I realized that we were actually at The Swamp watching Oregon State play the Gators. I remember the announcer asking over the PA for Oregon fans to cheer and it was very quiet. I also remember Oregon State botching the kick-off and Florida getting the ball at their 30, so I guess I wasn't the one having the bad day after all.

True Pop-Punks

I was waiting in a line in a very well lit and expansive cave with my girlfriend. I recognized a lot of the people in the line from a medical marijuana clinic I once worked for (reality). The cave was not a clinic. Most of the people in the line were sitting on the floor because it was taking a long time. There were quite a few chain link fences around.

There were three stereotypical punks standing in front of my girlfriend and I in line: leather stud jackets, hair spikes, whatever. One was a tall guy, one was a girl, and the last one was extremely short and probably pretty young. The little one kept giving me the stink eye, until he finally started blue streaking me for no reason, Sid Vicious style. I was annoyed and slightly amused and asked his fairly indifferent companions to 'muzzle their runt'. I got a pretty big kick out of this in my dream and think I probably laughed out loud in real life. The little guy did not take this too well and spat at my girlfriend. I remember thinking/saying 'OK, fuck this' and calling security. Security showed up - looking a bit too much like Carl Winslow - and I explained the situation. He promptly stated he would have to throw all three of them in jail, and the three punks were very upset. Security asked if that would satisfy me, and I said that it definitely would.

Jail was literally a large pit behind a chain link fence in the cave, and when I went to look at the punks in jail, they were busy performing That Thing You Do by The Wonders. The tall guy was playing a marching bass drum, the girl was playing a guitar, and the little guy was the vocalist. I remember thinking 'Who the fuck gave these assholes instruments while they were in jail?'

Zombie Escape, Friendly Larceny, and Mundane Tidbits

Sorry for the delay in posting for anyone who may have once read this. Being unemployed certainly does give one more time for writing, but I did not take into account my general anxiety levels seem to absolutely crush my motivation. My recent break from writing was because my dreams seemed to be fairly mundane: obvious reflections on my days events with little mystery or bravado. For example: I was playing Magic the Gathering on my computer; I was making dinner; I was drinking coffee at a shop. I did have one interesting, and possibly telling, zombie apocalypse dream. The part of the 'zombie attack' that I remember is minimal - but I got away. First time I can say that has happened in any 'pursuit' dream I can recall. I also drove away from the main zombie-infestation area in a bright red convertible. Equally awesome. I stopped and managed to break into my friend Seth's artfully dilapidated apartment, return a broom that I 'borrowed' from him earlier in a similar manner, 'borrow' something else, and then narrowly escape through a window right as he got home. I got a hysterical rush out of this.

Mob Boss Vlog / Evil Persian Cinema City

Two tidbits without context from last night.

First, I was watching a vlog through Youtube for a mob boss. I don't know what group the mob represented, but by how I remember the boss it was probably Italian or some nationality that shares stereotypical 'Italian' characteristics. The format of the vlog was similar to a cable news show, and the boss host was calling for mass destruction of his enemies. What made this funny was that the boss had a very charming, funny attitude the whole time - think game show hosts like Bob Barker or Chuck Woolrey. There were also many dynamic titles and menus flying across the screen - the most memorable one being in bright pink bubble letters saying "GET THEM!".

The second was also out of context and involved me being a HUGE giant (like head in the clouds huge). The only bit of this I remember clearly was standing over an area that had three clear landscape divisions. The first was a dark green, sparsely wooded, windy plain. It had a few small and scattered houses in it and I think I would like to live there. Directly over where I was standing was a place where people harvest natural resources. It was brown, fairly barren, and looked 'stripped'. I remember sulfur mines(?), a dirty river, and some industrial equipment. No one was working presently, and I could tell the area was dangerous and slightly toxic.

This is where I think the second dream gets cool: I decided I didn't want to stand over the dangerous mines anymore, so I set off for the third section of the landscape. This was a snowless mountainous area, with a circular ridge in the middle that was as tall as I was. The ridge was flat on top so I could see over it. I could hear people talking from the circle-ridge's interior so I peaked over. I saw an ancient metropolis - which for some reason I identified as 'Persian' in my mind. I thought about going in but saw that the city was also populated by STONE GOLEMS that walked around with the humans. I knew that this was a secret place and they would not take kindly to me knowing they lived equally with stone golems. I looked to my left and realized the conversation I was hearing was actually coming from a massive movie theater screen that sat on top of the ridge so all of the cities inhabitants could see it. The city was currently watching a Disney cartoon, and I think my mind lazily defaulted to Aladdin.

Because I'm Cool

I was being kicked out of a classroom project group by its leader. The girl who lead the group was very 'dorky'(?) I guess: timid, short, thick rimmed glasses, stocky, blonde, and a very square face.

I felt this was very unjust and confronted her. She told me she did it because she hates me because "I'm the coolest kid in class." I laughed in her face and said she must be mistaken. I stated that a majority of the class probably hated my guts too, but for a variety of very different reasons and definitely not that one. I said if anyone hated me I hoped it was because I called them on their bullshit and wouldn't back down. I was comfortable with that, but being hated for stuff I didn't do or couldn't control was uncomfortable.

She wouldn't back down, and was definitely power tripping in her moment of triumph. I realized she must have hated me for a very long time. I felt slightly flattered at my ability to instill such strong feelings in a person. I had the notion I had never really given her any thought. I didn't argue with her any further.

Two and a Half Men Cause A Family Reunion

I was in a leadership role for a television show - maybe a producer or director. I was inside a large house with the rest of the cast and crew and our premier was going to be competing with a special announcement from Two and a Half Men. I was confident that we would beat them in the ratings.

The doorbell rang. When I opened the door a younger version of my now 10 years passed grandmother was there. I don't think it was absolutely true to what she looked like, but more like an older version of my mother. She was very pretty, none-the-less, and had an extremely bright red sweatshirt on. We hugged, and I told her I was surprised to see her because she was dead. It was dark outside, with a dark purple hue to things, and the sky was glowing orange like I was close to street lamps or a fire. She told me that because I was 'going back a few days in time' she could see me for a little while and wanted to know if I was alright. I told her about the premier and that I was excited. She was happy for me, and continued to meet my girlfriend and tell her I was nice.

I don't know how I feel about any of this.

SBUX Partner Vengeance

While working at Starbucks in college I would regularly power nap during my breaks. Our location had the third largest morning rush in Seattle (just think about that) - and serving sleep deprived, self important, bitter office drones in spurts of ten thousand dillion can take it out of a person.

I can't remember if I was awake or asleep when I thought of this in the break room, but it has made me feel better when I'm helping ungrateful people ever since:

Reality: There was an especially catty, godless torture artist named Milea who would come in every morning during our peak rush asking for the most nightmarish latte imaginable. Not only did she want a variety of syrups, but she wanted them in fractions. For example: 2 and 3/5 pumps mocha, then 1 and 2/7 pumps vanilla, etc. In addition she would ask for half shots - give or take a half depending on the day. This all needed to be in a particularly logic and policy defying ritualistic order, and she would watch every step of her drink assuring that if you fucked up and gave her 1/1000 more or less of something she would have you start the whole shit-storm over again while she berated you as rude and incapable. She claimed to be able to taste the slightest inconsistency in her drink - though we all messed it up on purpose when she wasn't hawk-eying us and she never complained.

To make matters worse, she seemed to hate other women. Our best and fastest bar people were women, and without fail if a woman made her drink it was wrong. In fact, if a female partner even spoke to her she seemed compelled to complain to my male Assistant Manager - completely ignoring my female Store Manager. So, every time she came up to order we would switch out people at the bar just to accommodate this, fucking up our entire store's operation.

Unfortunately, I eventually landed on her short list of indentured servants worthy of making her Vile Concoction. I weathered it well, to the point where she did not force me to remake it once or twice in the year I worked there. I would happily set her drink on the end of the bar and say "A Tall Melia" signaling that all of us could finally relax because she would be leaving soon.

Dream: The morning is going normally. Melia shows up. I am called to the bar, forced once again to make that stupid drink that may as well manifest the shackles I could feel on my wrists and heart. I would go through the motions, Melia looking for the most insubstantial of fuck-ups so she could grind her dominant boot into my neck once again. It doesn't come. I do it perfectly. She can't and doesn't complain. She compliments my ability, smiles at me, even offers non-Starbucks small talk.

I walk over to the bar. I set down the drink, normally, gracefully. I call out "A Tall Melia". She glides away from the register, smiling. I smile back. Her hand reaches from her purse to the cup. Before she can touch it I slap the fucking shit out of that drink, throwing the cup off of the bar and splashing her goddamn bitch fuel all over the wall. I continue to smile. I win. She's probably exclaiming in some way. I don't care. Nothing she can say or do can take that from me. Fuck my job. Fuck that bitch. She can lick it off the floor. Whatever happens next doesn't matter.

It is the best goddamn dream I have ever had.

OLD: Diving from Robots in Scotland

This is from a dream journal I kept in high school. It is one of my favorites and though it was not a nightmare, it really messed up my day:

I was traveling over bright green, rolling hills with a close childhood friend Jake. The grass was very long and rolling in the wind. We reached the edge of a ridge with a high cliff at the end. At the bottom of the cliff were more rolling hills. Off to the side of us was a cliff that was slightly lower. On that cliff were a few other people, though the only notable person was someone I went to middle school with named Brad N. They were running up to the edge of the cliff, looking around to see if they were spotted, and then swan diving off the cliff.

I was confused. Jake explained that 'he must be close'. I did not know whom 'He' was. The floor behind us had a hidden platform elevator in it and He rose up behind us. I did not know who He was still, but Jake and I both sensed him and dove off the cliff. I remember hitting the ground face first. I woke up.

Radio Free Portland: Posterior Terrorism

David, illustrator and co-owner of über-blog Doodles MAXIMUM, approached me with an idea to blow up a radio tower in Portland, OR. It sounded like an intriguing idea, and he convinced me by explaining that he and a girl(?) blew one up yesterday and it was totally awesome. David, another friend named Adam - whom I believe was the 'technical guru' in this scenario - and I approached the red, skeletal radio tower on a strangely round and grassy hill that overlooked the downtown Portland area. For some reason we set the explosives near the top of the tower, and while we walked away Adam exclaimed the smoke could be seen 'from 75 miles away' even before the explosion. I remember the tower blowing up, and the ensuing panic to get away before anyone saw me there. David and Adam decided to drive home and play video games. Their house looked a lot like my house. I could hear them playing games and laughing in my house, and was puzzled as to why they were not worried. I decided to go jogging to create a few alibis. I don't jog while conscious.

I set off for downtown and stopped in at a retail store for fireplaces. I realized after about five seconds that no one would go fireplace shopping in running clothes, so when I was approach by a sales associate I said I was 'just browsing' and left.

I then decided I should go to a dorm. My girlfriend did not exist in this world where I blew up radio towers, so I thought I would visit some girl I knew. I don't know this girl in real life, but she had red hair. I thought we were flirting fine, but things got weird when she was a little too interested in my posterior. I kept telling her I was not interested in that sort of stuff but she kept telling me it was cool and I'd dig it. I promised I wouldn't. By this time I was much more concerned with my butt than my freedom.

My real life girlfriend woke me up and I thanked her for never wanting to go there. She rightfully laughed at me.

OLD: Advice from Lord Baltimore

I was recently reminded by my friend Krishna of a dream I recounted to him. I don't remember the context of the dream - I only remember the end.

The dream involved some sort of cliffhanger scenario. I was watching myself in a car(?). The scene faded to black, and a quote appeared as if I were watching a movie:

"Needs more salt." - Lord Baltimore

I think I woke up because I was extremely confused. I'm fairly certain neither salt or Lord Baltimore had anything to do with my dream.

I Was A Black Child With Pancakes

I was a four or five year old black child eating breakfast at IHOP or Denny's. I was eating with my new dream mom and dad. I did not order, but got a plate of pancakes covered in bacon and maple syrup. I was pretty happy, but my dream-dad was really mad that the waitress forgot to get me my gravy. I kept trying to tell him that it was OK, and that I thought I wanted gravy but this was actually just fine and gravy might be weird. He insisted that I need to understand it is the principle of the thing: he asked for gravy and we didn't get it. The older waitress never got close enough to ask for the gravy. My dream-mom was silent but in agreement with me.

The Black Lake

Sometimes when I am having a difficult time sleeping I close my eyes and imaging I am on a small boat, floating on a lake. It is usually a bright gray sky and the lake is blue or gray. It is nice and I can feel my body rocking back and forth.

Last night I was floating in my boat, and things were different than normal. I was on the edge of the lake, and there was a small cabin behind me with an orange dock light. Two other people were waiting for my row boat. The water was black and still. The first laid down in the boat and floated out over the lake. The water never moved. They floated away from the light and after a short time the boat came back empty.

I then got into the boat, knowing I normally sleep in the boat. I sat in the back of the row boat and floated out onto the lake. The black water still didn't move. I could see the light getting smaller and the silhouette of the last person standing on the edge of the lake waiting for my sleeping boat. I looked forward and a silent black wave was waiting to overcome me. The person on the shore could not see me. The dream ended before I touched the water.

OLD: Flapping to Levitate / Frustrated / Captain America

I have a memory of being able to levitate if I jumped as high as I could in one place and flapped my arms. I don't know how long I subconsciously believed this, only reflecting upon how absurd it was when I almost said it out loud when I was not quite a teenager.

When I was very young, I somehow thought I invented the word 'frustrated' as well. I can only attribute this to some delusional dream.

Probably more coincidence than dream delusion was when I found out my action figure that I named 'Captain America' was actually a super hero named Captain America. I still feel weird when I see that character. I don't plan on seeing the movie.

OLD: Lucid Flying at Day Care

When I was in elementary school my mom owned a business and could not watch me during the days of summer vacation. I would go to Gymnastics Plus for daycare, which was essentially running around in the gym all day. In high school I had a dream that I was back at Gymnastics Plus for some reason, and the whole gym was replaced with a large indoor pool. I realized this was a dream as G+ did not have an indoor pool. I preceded to fly around and dive in and out of the water until I woke up. This is the only time, to my knowledge, I have ever dreamed lucidly.

Bros Before Books

I was in a high school English class with my friend Jon K. that was being taught by David Schwimmer. Jon was writing between the margins of the 'in-class use' books - as in using them like notebook paper - and putting them back on the shelf. When Mr. Schwimmer found out he freaked out and had certain trusted class members - former high school classmates Annie K and Christina B. - write a "Who and Why" explanation on the chalk board and they both accused me because they think I'm an asshole. The rest of the class agreed I probably did it. I was shocked because I didn't know so many people didn't like me.

I proved it wasn't me by comparing my writing to the writing in the books. No one could deny my handwriting was very different. I was happy to be off the hook, but I knew Jon was getting closer to being caught. He was quiet in class though, and I did not think anyone would tattle on him.